omg

my social media apps are all blocked by my phone to keep me from sitting and scrolling on them all day, but i had a thought and i wish to record it:
many people consider themselves deficient in math, why is that? math is rigid and more logical than language, and we are made of math. what keeps so many people from understanding it? is this a natural, cognitive deficiency or something learned? i must investigate further since i can't expect the dopamine rush of instant answers here. over and over again i have pulled The Hermit and felt the necessary inward pull.

i cant do shit today because im exhausted and my eye is so irritated it hurts to look at things. this is the most i want to do. i don't understand how people spend time doing "nothing"...just relaxing, watching tv, listening to music...without feeling guilty for not accomplishing more. i know how to Be, i just constantly resist it. tonight is the full moon in gemini (my first house) and i'm feeling like something is supposed to happen, like i was supposed to make some big change. but by processing my Big Thing in EMDR, perhaps i AM making the change....from the 12th house subconscious to the first house of expressive self. maybe i don't HAVE to do anything "productive" today...maybe there are bigger plans that will unfold without my help. if i simply enjoy the comfort of the chrysalis, i can let it drop away gently rather than trying to tear my way out.

it's just hard to rest with so many expectations on me. to finish my record, to prepare for more festivals and more touring. i'm so tired and i'm not even a rock star yet. i wish we had more help but it's hard to find someone to trust after all these years of being lied to and stolen from. it's hard not to get bitter...i just want the sun to set to let the night be nice and quiet. it's so beautiful outside but i don't feel like being in it. whatever!!!!

i forgot to do this but then i remembered! which is so much better than forgetting forever. i am IMPROVING at things and able to think clearly, take hold of ambition and keep my grasp!! it's been A VERY LONG TIME since i could maintain motivation for side missions without becoming overwhelmed by my main quest. this probably has a lot to do with the success of my EMDR therapy, which i might almost be done with!!! the reasoning is more complex than i am interested in explaining now, but yesterday i beat the final boss of EMDR processing. it took a lot out of me and now i feel braindead. and yet, i am still energized and clearminded enough to type things into a blog that is still hidden. this is a good sign!!!!!

funny things have been happening more often, as they tend to do when the moon waxes. (full moon december 17! i need to study up tbh) yesterday, someone emailed me asking if i'd answer some interview questions for their music marketing project. they wanted to know my thoughts on Marketing Dance Music which is hilarious because i might be the worst marketer of all time, especially when it comes to my music. i decided to answer them anyway, and am pretty proud of my responses...maybe they will be posted publicly and i can share them...i will ask the college student.

i want to be a college student!!!!! isn't that fucked up?? most of my Aries energy is pointed directly at the plutocracy, and yet i am DYING to learn a specific skill in-depth and from a live teacher. i suppose the only useful time to go to college is when you're really, really passionate about learning the subject and willing to pay money to do that. i'm not quite willing to pay the money just yet- and i also have a lot of career obligations that i would be foolish to pretermit. but the passion is growing, i'm wondering about the process. maybe finding out will be my pet project of 2025.

there are many things i want to do today but i know my brain is still rebooting after the Big EMDR Session and i will come back more quickly if i let myself truly relax. that may be why i am still typing here, releasing just a liiiiiiiiittle at a time. feeding a committment, just as practice, to see if words still flow fresh from me. i think they do ?????

i am laughing and thinking about how ifwhen i finally post the link to this blog, alan will be the first one to read it. if i am proven right i will make an elaborate dessert.

reader, we did not decorate the christmas tree last night. instead, we were swept into a game of Fent Life that lasted four titillating hours, and decided to postpone the decorating until this morning. this was a worthy delay.

what is Fent Life? it is difficult to capture the spirit of the game without years of interpersonal context, but at a fundamental level it is a homebrewed digital boardgame. after last week's Black Friday-Cyber Monday capitalism bonanza, we all ended up thumbing through our Steam libraries to find games that had gone unplayed by my Groupchat. my brother-in-law was struck with a bolt of inspiration and spent most of Cyber Monday creating a project in Tabletop Games where the objective is to buy Fentanyl. we started playtesting, and over the week the game has evolved into an engaging and well-balanced game of chance, skill and debate. it recalls Chardee Macdennis, iykyk. i cannot reveal further details at this time, but i truly believe it is a masterpiece.

if i was sharing this blog link i might be concerned about the optics of celebrating a game called Fent Life. everyone knows there's nothing FUNNY about DRUG ADDICTION and the fentanyl epidemic is a SERIOUS MATTER. people are DYING!!! then again, i've got plenty of experience with addiction and it's pretty clear that humor is my strongest coping mechanism. these are things i know about myself, but that knowledge feels outweighed when i'm facing judgment from a chaos choir. the world has watched me grow from a struggling teen through my self-destructive 20s into someone who can think in complete sentences. you'd think i would stand proud and feel like a success story. instead i still sleep lightly, stirred by nightmares about thinkpieces and twitter raids. i still wonder why they matter, how such intangible rantings could take such a firm chokehold. plenty of "experts" have plenty of reasons for me to assuage the sense of weakness i let pull me under sometimes. TRAUMA MAKES NO SENSE! HEALING ISNT LINEAR!

no but fr i'm healing. i'm gonna go take pictures of the christmas tree because it's fucking awesome. ordinarily, we fall victim to the quaintness of a tree tent and we end up paying premium prices for whatever tree is left under the canvas. this year i remembered that the hardware store is generally cheaper and more consistent, though a little less romantic. we ended up with a REALLY PERFECT tree for a REALLY LOW price, and the hardware store employees gave so little of a fuck we probably could have walked out without paying for it. of course, we'd never do something so dishonest around CHRISTMAS... but it turns out that as capitalism decays, the big box mentality is harder and harder to uphold. my gift this year is to see it burn and i know it's coming soon!

i hope the aliens make it here soon. i'm fucking READY!!!!!!!!!!!

christmas time! christmas time! christmas time! christmas time! christmas time! christmas time! christmas time! christmas time!
also i am committing to the act/art of blogging. it's just the right time; planet mars is whirling and whirling towards just the right point in my personal orbit. my intuitive download speed is upgraded and continues to accelerate. i keep thinking of possibilities and watching them unfold, from little blessings to the more earthshaking moments where a healthcare CEO is shot and killed. maybe now i'll write things down somewhere i won't feel crazy, safe from comment sections. you would have to go far out of your way to ensure i see a criticism here, and that is very tempting. this is nice!
we've bought a christmas tree and he's nearly ready to decorate. if i remember to take a photo and post it on this blog, i will know i've truly committed to keeping it up. that's a big step!!! formatting IMAGES?
anyway bye!

i am testing my little text boxes and remembering how to code. feeling the urge towards more advanced things, but i know if i bite off more than i can chew i will choke. working on this slowly and maybe it is a good place to put my thoughts, because my god i need to put them somewhere better than Social Media. i've spent so many years gently tapping my glass brain into a million little marbles, handing them out to whoever makes the flashiest post of the hour. there is a reason we've lost our enthusiasm to adapt, one that runs deeper than blissful laziness. we are pouring energy into abyss, then begging the abyss to spit some back into our mouths. our best hope is for a sprinkling of crumbs from the nether and i'm sick of being hungry all the time. there are so many many flavors that need tasting

i am willing myself to adhere to this project as i've already invested like an hour into it at this point. there is something so fun and exciting about checking a WEBSITE that i missed so much..it's so much better than the sluggish toil through a social timeline. not sure why yet but am continuing to reflect on the matter.

shit that freaks me out:

• - little spots that might be mold
• - everyone's memory filling up quicker

today we took a walk with the dogs, the last connection finally clicked. it is hard to explain but a realization that i am not adhered to the world and that this isn't Simon Says; i don't have to bend myself into its shapes. instead i will slow down, consciously unfurl. clear away the clutter as it stutters my progress. and slowly, as i heal, take tiny steps in right directions.

something in me changed the past few years and now i have such patience. sadly, though, i haven't activated it enough to make progress on the things i really love. it's not that i've wasted the time; i've spent a lot of time on important things, my job and neatening my life. it's been revealed that i must bin the extra baggage, forget about it and let anything uncomfortable go free. it isn't mine anymore! it hasn't needed to be, but i've dragged it along from house to home. every time we haul it in, i promise i'll go through and organize it. someday, i promise me, you'll figure out a way to make it fit. but it's been years, it all smells musty and i've got to chuff it out.

making a website sounds fun and exciting. i won't show anyone for a while, it's already in good enough working order that people know it's here. i hope nobody finds this page yet... the dried-up skins i was afraid to shed need time to decompose.